No Sword Cuts Deeper
by classyblue
Summary: Words spoken in anger make Hephaestion doubt his relationship with Alexander. Alexander must make it right again, or lose the other half of his soul.


This story is dedicated to Cheryl. Thank you for sending the poem to me, I hope I caught the muse you wanted. Alexander and Hephaestion may have their troubles but they always end up together in the end.

I see you in my dreams at nite

you loved me so it seemed so right

but that is only wishful thinking

I know it's not true and has to sink in.

We weren't two but one

I thought I was the only one

I find it hard that you can't see

now what ended has hurt me.

People stop and try to care

but they can't understand the love we shared

time will heal they always say

but I don't really care today.

Alexander POV

Words have a sharper edge than any weapons ever known and can cause pain from the inside out. These wounds take longer to heal and are never really forgotten.

Forgiven, but never forgotten.

_Why is it that we seem to hurt the people we are the closest to and love the most?_

Alexander sat brooding over this question.

_How do you heal the wounds you have made with the hurtful words?_

_How do you take the pain from behind the eyes, repair the distance it has created, put a smile back on his face, instead of anguish?_

If Alexander could turn back time, he would in a second, take back the cutting and harmful words.

_Please, _he prayed to his Gods_, let me be able to fix this._

Hephaestion POV

_How can your world turn upside down in a matter of minutes?_

Hephaestion sat on his horse looking at the city in front of him. Within those walls was the person who held his heart, he had given it to him a long time ago and kept little for himself.

The part he did keep was broken into minuet pieces and holding together by a thread.

_Had he missed the signs, was he so blind by his love for Alexander, that he didn't notice when things had changed? _

The horse stirred under him, feeling the stress course through his masters' body.

_What do I do now, how do I live without him?_

Alexander POV

Walking towards Hephaestion's rooms, Alexanders' pondered several different versions of the same conversation he wished to have, all with the same ending, but getting there in varied ways. None of the versions pleased Alexander in his own mind. The words didn't take away enough of the damage already caused.

_I'll beg, if that is what it takes to make this better, pride be damned, I will get him back._

Arriving at the doors to the rooms, Alexander said a silent prayer to the Gods to help him find the right words to say. He pushed the door open and entered.

There was no one there, Hephaestion was gone.

Alexander's heart pounded out of his chest and the ache it caused made him catch his breath.

_Where can he be?_

Hephaestion POV

Hephaestion looked to the West, on his right, then to the left and the East, and then back to the city. Three directions...three life-changing decisions.

To the West, was Pella, his home so long ago. If he turned and went there now, he would go alone for the first time since he had met Alexander.

_Alone..._

To the East was the unknown worlds and all of his dreams of adventure, Alexander's dreams...the ones they had shared together.

_Could he give them up now that they had come so far?_

Returning his gaze to the city below, he knew what lay there...until a few hours ago, his best friend, companion, lover, his Alexander. Now he was no longer_ his_ Alexander.

He shook his head trying to make the words go away that had changed his life.

_Oh Alexander, if you had only let me know, I would have made the problem go away a whole lot sooner. I would have taken away your pain. I never wanted you to have to feel this way._

Alexander POV

Alexander made his way through the palace, after leaving his empty room, looking for Hephaestion. No one had seen him for quite awhile and Alexander was beginning to panic. He told himself that Hephaestion would not leave permanently without telling him he.

_We have been through so much together, he will forgive me, I know he will. He always has before. _

Alexander knew in his heart that this was different.

Memories of the tragic conversation came thundering back to him, making his stomach lurch.

The early morning had been maddening already, endless problems, bickering soldiers and seemingly unending distractions. On most days like this, he turned to Hephaestion for his help and counsel, but today had been different.

He could put the blame on his demons or his temper or just plain stupidity, but he knew where the blame really lay...with him.

Ptolemy had been with him when lost his temper, listening to him rant and rave. Thinking he was helping, Ptolemy suggested calling Hephaestion and letting him help calm Alexander down. It had sent him over the edge.

He could still remember the haunting words he had spoken, more to Ptolemy than for Hephaestion, definitely not for Hephaestion to hear.

Hephaestion POV

Hephaestion dismounted and sat on the side of the hill, his horse moving away to graze on the sweet grass. The words he had heard kept knocking around in his head and his hollow heart.

He had been on his way to Alexander's rooms to see if he wanted to go for a ride. It was such a beautiful day and the sun was shining brightly, flowers were starting to bloom and spring was in the air. Everything seemed new and fresh.

_If I had not gone to see him, I would not have heard him talking to Ptolemy...but then, I would never know how Alexander really felt about me._

Hephaestion laid back in the grass and looked up at the sky. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he started to cry silently.

_I would take a thousand sword wounds to this pain any day._

Alexander had been angry, vividly angry and yelling his rage. Ptolemy had said he was going to get him (Hephaestion) and Alexander had exploded.

"_Why does everyone think that Hephaestion is always the answer to all of my problems?" shouted Alexander, "I don't need him as much as all of you think, I can live without him and his wretched counsel is annoying and unwanted sometimes._

Hephaestion had froze to the spot he had been standing upon hearing this.

"_I don't need him to achieve my dreams and I am perfectly capable of living my life without him in it at all.", Alexander had continued._

Hephaestion's world stopped.

Alexander POV

Alexander had arrived at the stables and found Hephaestion's horse was gone from his stall. He now knew Hephaestion was no longer in the palace, he hoped and prayed that he was only taking a ride to sort his thoughts and not riding farther and farther away from him.

"_I am the King here, not Hephaestion, you would do well to remember that_,_ Ptolemy_!"

Alexander had then left the outer room and went into his bedroom, trying to get control of himself. He had been out of control and regretted already what he had said. Even though Hephaestion had not heard what he had said, he was still feeling very remorseful for even thinking these thoughts, let alone saying them out loud.

_Thank the gods, Hephaestion would never know what he had said._

A couple of hours later, Alexander had left his rooms and went to get something to eat.

He was looking forward to seeing Hephaestion and spending some time with him. Guilt was eating away at his insides.

It was then that Ptolemy had told him that Hephaestion had heard everything that he had said in his anger. It was then his world started falling apart.

Hephaestion POV

Ptolemy had run into him as he had left Alexander's rooms, literally. He knew he had heard what Alexander had said by the look on Hephaestion's face. All the color had drained from his face and he was staring blankly at the floor. All the life had left his eyes and there was only emptiness in their places.

Ptolemy had tried to talk to him but he heard none of the words. The only words he could hear were the one Alexander had spoken. He would be able to repeat them word for word for the rest of his life.

_Alexander, I can watch you marry and find others to share your life with, I can take the taunts and kidding from the other Generals. I can be an outsider because of my love for you, but I can't stay when you no longer want me around. Only you can tell me when I am no longer needed in you life, I will not be swayed by what others think. When you no longer need me, then and only then, I will leave your side and move on with my life. _

He hadn't remember going to the stables or the first couple hours of the ride. Slowly he had come back to the world around him.

Now there was nothing, only a numb empty feeling.

Alexander POV

_I will give it all up, the wealth, the lands, even the dreams...just let me find him._

Alexander mounted his horse and started riding, not sure which direction to go, only knowing he couldn't sit and wait for Hephaestion to return. He started thinking of all of Hephaestion's favorite places, hoping he was in one of these. They had been so close for so long, knowing each others thoughts, sharing their dreams.

_Are we sharing both of our dreams, or just my dreams? He gives so much of his life to me, do I really let him know how much I love him and need him._

Alexander rode faster with new resolve, he had to find him let him know all that he was thinking. Hephaestion must know that there is no life for Alexander without him at his side...not in front of him, not behind him, but at his side, always.

He fixed his path on the hills ahead of him and prayed he was going in the right direction.

Hephaestion POV

Hephaestion's horse neighed softly and brought Hephaestion back to the world again. He followed the horses gaze and saw a horse and rider approaching. His heart jumped in his chest and his breath caught in his throat. There was no doubt in his mind who was approaching, or his heart. He could not make his body move.

_What do I do now? How do I say goodbye? Can I say goodbye?_

Words were swimming in Hephaestion's head, trying to come up with something to say to let Alexander know how sorry he was. He should have seen the signs better, should have known that it couldn't stay the same as it had been with them. He should have backed away from Alexander and not try to stay so close to him. He should have let him go.

_Please, let me find the right words to say to Alexander. _

He watched Alexander gallop up the hill and dismount quickly before the horse even stopped moving. Alexander was in front of him immediately and pulled him to his feet.

Tears were falling down Alexanders face and he was sobbing freely.

Hephaestion dropped his head and tried to pull away but Alexander won't loosen his grip. He looked back up into Alexander eyes and silently formed his words.

_I'm sorry._

Alexander POV

Alexander could not believe what he had just seen. Hephaestion had said that he was sorry. His heart was pounding in his chest and it felt like it was going to break.

_He is apologizing to me! I broke his heart, tore his world apart, destroyed his life and he is apologizing to me._

Alexander grabbed Hephaestion and pulled him close and cried into his hair. He couldn't hold him close or tight enough. He had so many words he had to say to his beloved but needed just to hold him and not let go till he could get control of himself.

His emotions were so raw and close to the surface.

Hephaestion was sobbing quietly in his arms. Finally, getting command of himself somewhat, Alexander pulled back and locked eyes with Hephaestion. He put a hand in either side of Hephaestion's face and started saying the words he needed to say, emptying his heart. He was not going to let go of Hephaestion until he was sure that he could make him understand what a fool he had been. Hephaestion was going to know that his life started when he had met him and would end if he left him now.

_Let my words enter his heart and heal the wounds I have caused because I can't go on without him._

Hephaestion POV

Hephaestion listened as Alexander poured out his heart to him. The pain in his heart starting to hurt a little less as he listened and he knew he was hearing the truth. Alexander was in pain and scared. The words he was saying were what he was really feeling.

_I have never seen such fear in his eyes, he is more afraid of losing me than losing to any enemy he has ever faced._

With each word, Hephaestion felt closer to Alexander again and not so alone. Alexander wanted to cut out his own tongue to make Hephaestion forget the words he had spoken in anger and frustration. He would do whatever it takes to make things right again.

_He loves me, he still needs me and he wants me in his life. We can make this work again, maybe better than it was before._

Hephaestion put a finger to Alexanders' lips to silence him. He starred into his eyes and slowly pulled him in for a long close hug, letting the closeness heal some of the wounds. When he finally pulled back, he smiled softly at Alexander.

_I love you too Alexander, with all of my heart and soul._

Alexander POV

Hephaestion kissed him softly at first, then let their love for each other and the need take over. Each kiss healed more of the open wounds. They held nothing back, giving freely and completely everything from their hearts and souls. Alexander let his heart soar and sing, his happiness flowing through his body.

_By the Gods, I love this man. I will never come this close to losing him again and I will never do anything to see such pain on his beautiful face. _

_You are everything to me, Hephaestion and I have nothing in my life that comes close to your worth._

Alexander then proceeded to tell Hephaestion those exact thoughts, not with words but with actions.

_I can never make him forget the cruel and hurtful words is said, but maybe I can help him to forgive me, for no enemy will ever hurt him as much as I have._

Epilogue

_Hephaestion did forgive Alexander and they grew closer as time passed. Sometimes when Hephaestion would get very quiet, Alexander would sense what he was thinking, and stop whatever he was doing and pull Hephaestion aside and hold him tightly and tell him how much he loved him and needed him. The more he acquired in his lifetime, the more valuable Hephaestion became to Alexander. _

_Hephaestion asked Alexander if he would tell him the truth and let him know when he no longer needed him. Alexander promised he would, but that time never came._


End file.
